Thinking out Loud (3)

This last week has been a bit of a roller coaster for me emotionally, because I took time off work and I’m preparing to go back. Work was the main reason I had to step away because of the stress, but the time to return has come, and things have changed. The uncertainty of expectations is kind of hitting me.

I really want this blog to be something, and I feel like I should be adding to it more than I have been, but I don’t always want to write from heavy moments. Life already has enough of those. Even now, with the anticipation of going back to work, I find myself sitting and wondering about my life—where I am, where I’m going, and if I did well by my kids. I question a lot of things, and I think I do that because it was instilled in me that I had to be perfect.

And I know I’m not. No one is. But as a child, always being told you weren’t good enough—that you weren’t built the way she wanted you to be—those words echo through life and make me think sometimes: who am I supposed to be?

One thing I’ve always noticed about myself is that I’ve always had a caring nature. That sensitivity has always been part of who I am. And maybe my caring nature can care a little more than it should.

It’s funny, because I came back to work not really knowing what to expect, but I’m taking it day by day, as I should. And because of my tenure with the company, my anniversary passed while I was off, and I received points that I could redeem for household products, electronics, or gift cards.

The first thing I thought was: how can I use this to make my kids’ day?

My son loves his Xbox, and we actually enjoy playing together, so I knew that would be a nice surprise for him. For my daughter, I asked her what she would prefer—gas or Walmart—and she was kind of stuck between the two. So I balanced it out and gave her one of each.

They weren’t huge amounts, but when I sent them, their reactions were the same. Surprise. Gratitude. “Where did you get these?”

I told them it was something from work and that I wanted to share it with them.

And those little moments… they matter.

They’re the ones that really touch me. The ones that remind me who I am, especially after weeks where everything felt uncertain and a little out of place.

Because the truth is, I don’t always know what’s coming next. Nobody really does. But with the way I’m wired—conditioned—I like to feel some level of control.

And maybe I’m not in control of everything.

But I am in control of the things that bring a smile to my kids’ faces.