Thinking Out Loud (4)

Last night, as I was brushing my teeth, I was thinking to myself… you know, I don’t mind being alone. Like, I’m okay alone. But then I also thought about the other side of it, because yeah, it’s nice to be alone, but at the same time, it is nice to have a partner.

But my experiences over the last 10 years have actually left a bad taste in my mouth. It’s almost like, when it comes to relationships, I just don’t have any luck.

When I decided to stay single after the separation with my daughter’s father, I did that intentionally because I can honestly say that he broke me in a way I had never experienced before. I’ve never been with somebody who really took whatever light I had and… didn’t just dim it — he almost extinguished it completely. Not even gently. It’s like he threw water on it or blasted it with a fire extinguisher. He left me in a very bad place. It took me years to come back to center.

After that relationship, I told myself I was going to be single. I needed to focus on myself, my kids, and my career. And that’s exactly what I did.

For 10 years, I did a lot of self-discovery, a lot of growth, a lot of reflection. I started living the life that I wanted to live for my kids—and I actually enjoyed it.

I enjoyed not having a partner because I did what I wanted, when I wanted, how I wanted. I didn’t have anybody in my ear telling me how to raise my kids or how to do things. It felt… somewhat liberating if that is the right word, but I can say I did feel free.

But there were always those moments where you feel lonely because it is nice to have somebody hold you at night, or even just to snuggle with on the couch and watch a movie.

It’s not like I wasn’t open to it— I was just waiting for the right person to come along before taking that step, because it’s not easy to share your home with someone and integrate your families.

And sure enough, eventually “The Mama’s Boy” came along. We had a lot of fun. It felt like a honeymoon stage that lasted for years. I was always excited to see him, we always had fun, we seemed to be on the same page, things were really good.

But at some point reality started to kick in.

You’re sharing your home. You’re figuring out chores, finances, different habits. Everyone lives differently, so there’s adjustment. And I was okay with that—I adapted, no problem.

But over time, I started to lose pieces of myself.

I adapted, I put myself aside, and somewhere along the way, I became so consumed with being everything other than myself —mother, partner, stepmom, provider, cleaner, cook—that I stopped doing the things I used to, including the things I enjoyed. And that’s when things started going downhill for me.

Eventually, it had to end.

Because I’ve always said—and I told him this—at the end of the day, if I have to choose, I will always choose myself.

And that’s what I did.

The next relationship came two years later—with “The Narcissist”. And that one was even worse. I ended up in a trauma bond, something I never thought I’d experience. He opened up the floodgates to my past trauma, which brought me to a point I never thought possible, because all those deeply hidden emotions started surfacing.

I’m not getting into that right now— because that’s an entry on its own.

But the point is this:

I was alone for 10 years… then spent 10 years in two relationships.

And now I’m questioning everything.

At this point, I honestly don’t think I’ll be able to cohabit with anybody again.

I’m pushing 50. I know what I want out of life. I know the direction I want to go, and I know what I would want in a relationship. Maybe I’m saying this because I’m not ready— who knows.

If I choose peace… does that mean my peace comes at the cost of being single?

Does that disqualify me from having a partner?

I don’t know.

Right now, I wake up when I want. I do things when I want. I sit in silence, or I blast my music. I go where I want, do things how I want—and I don’t need to ask for permission or tell anyone what I’m doing or why.

And I like that.

I’m content with that.

What I do know, is that I do not  want someone questioning my decisions, my outfit, where I’m going, or how I’m spending my money.

Does choosing peace mean I have to be alone?

Or does it just mean I haven’t met someone who fits into my peace?

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see how everything unfolds.

But for now…

For now, I can say that I’m content.