What if It's Me?

My whole experience didn’t just stop at my mother.

It opened something else.

Something I don’t always like to sit with.

Because when I look at my life…

Outside of my kids—

I don’t really have anyone.

No family.

No consistent circle.

No people I can say have been there through everything.

It’s always been…

situational.

Moments.

Invites here and there.

Holidays sometimes.

But not the kind of life where you have:

Barbecues
Birthdays
Weddings
Traditions that just… exist

And I sit with that sometimes and I think—

What’s wrong with me?

Because at some point, you have to ask the question.

It’s not just my mother.

It’s not just one relationship.

It’s a pattern.

And I’ve had people come into my life.

I’ve had friendships.

I’ve had one person I thought—

“Okay, this is solid. This is real.”

And even that ended up being…

just like the rest.

So then what?

Do I keep trying?

Do I keep opening myself up?

Or do I just accept that my life looks different?

Because the truth is…

I’ve learned how to be alone.

I’ve learned how to be okay with myself.

I’ve built a life where I don’t depend on anyone.

And there’s strength in that.

But there’s also moments where it feels…

lonely.

And I don’t think both things cancel each other out.

I can be strong and still feel the absence of something.

I can be content and still question why things turned out the way they did.

And I can choose myself…

without pretending that it doesn’t come with a cost.

Because that’s what this really comes down to.

Choosing myself.

Not because I want to be alone—

But because I’ve learned that not everyone deserves access to me.

And if I don’t protect that…

no one else will.

So maybe the question isn’t:

“What’s wrong with me?”

Maybe it’s:

“Why did I expect people to show up in ways they never learned how to?”

And maybe my life doesn’t look like everyone else’s.

But that doesn’t make it wrong.

It just makes it mine.

And right now—

That’s something I’m still learning how to be okay with.